Recently, the New York Times reported on the difficulty that adult on-set ADHD presents to all involved, especially within the context of marriage. While ADHD or ADD in children can be more easily managed, since children need to be cared for anyway, an adult with ADHD can seem to a partner as another child that needs to be coddled and watched. And this imbalance of responsibility can prove disastrous for long-term relationships.

Still, once the issue is recognized and diagnosed, partners and those afflicted can do much to avoid or reverse the resentments that spawn from ignorance of the disorder. For one, it is essential that ADHD patients and their partners acknowledge their limitations. For example, it is difficult for someone afflicted with ADHD to focus on a large task that has several components. The article gives the example of a chore list. Lists are particularly trying, and can cause the ADHD patient to feel anxious and panicked.

But acknowledging limitation doesn’t have to mean burdening the “normal” adult in the marriage with all the responsibility. It simply means the redirection of responsibility–that is, framing tasks and responsibilities differently.

The rearing of young children, for example, can present some particular challenges, but if taking care of them is framed in a different light, then the problems arising from a distracted parent need not be quite so drastic. Instead of burdening the afflicted parent with the general task of watching over a child, it is necessary to break up the larger task into smaller ones.

For example, the “normal” parent could feed the child, and then the other parent can give the child a bath. If broken down in this manner, the ADHD parent is less likely to be distracted and overwhelmed.

It is also important for spouses to be particularly communicative. While professional therapy may play a part, living with adult ADHD is very much a joint effort. Talking to each other about how one feels on a regular, periodic basis is instrumental in being aware of the ebbs and flows of both partners’ moods and concerns.

Communication, of course, is a vital component in any successful marriage, but in relationships in which one partner is impaired by the everyday, it is especially important that the other partner check in frequently in order to stem possible fits of anxiety and resentment that plague so many ADHD relationships.